Time to Start Dating Again?
I got back on OK Cupid again today. What the hell am I thinking?
It started yesterday. I went to an intimacy workshop that a friend invited me to. I was too sure about it but he said to keep an open mind. I expect other people to keep an open mind and it's only fair that I do the same. So, I went. It was an interesting afternoon, with hugging and stroking each other's faces. It's not necessarily my cup of tea but I realized that I do miss physical touch (cuddling with the Pugger is nice and all but I miss a human touch).
I was asked out by two of the guys there last night and, while they weren't my cup of tea, I said yes. Told them it'd be nice to get to know them, that I could always use more friends. One of the guys hugged me so hard I thought one of my tits would burst! Funny how some men think that tight hugs are synonymous with good hugs, warm hugs. There was one guy there that gave a phenomenal hug: long, just tight enough, chest to chest with arms wrapped around my frame entirely. That was a great hug.
So, with the events of yesterday afternoon fresh in my head this morning and after listening to my coworker talk about his dating escapades, I thought I'd give the whole dating thing a go again.
What the hell am I thinking?
You see, it's a little weird, this whole online dating thing. I think I'm fairly average in the looks department. I'm tall, thin (although, the older I get, the wider I am becoming) and that little cartoon of me on the About page is actually not that far off (of course, her skin looks much better than my forty year-old skin). But, the moment I get on the app, within an hour, there are a number of messages like, “Hey ur hot” or “watch don tonite? cum over.”
Ugh. I've talked to girlfriends about this and they all have the same story. Vapid, overly sexual, ridiculous messages. I don't understand why men message like this. I never respond to those messages. I agree that physical attraction is important but holy hell, being able to intelligently message someone—and spell correctly—is so much more important.
Counter this with what my male coworker has been going through. We've worked together for over three years. He's the other VP of the company so we speak fairly freely about life and I would say we know each other pretty well. M is a good guy. I would date him (I mean, maybe if he was a few years older). He gets messaged once in a while and, when he messages someone, it is thoughtful and shows that he read the woman's profile. He doesn't get the shitshow of messages that I or my girlfriends get. Why?
Maybe it's because I've been around good men for most of my life. Most of the men I know are kind, thoughtful, and fairly enlightened. Granted, they can be pigs but they are joking with me about it or with other guys and I don't think it's ever been in a malicious manner. But, I don't think they've asked a woman to “cum over” as the first message they've sent.
Last summer, I just got tired of dealing with those messages. Chemistry is missing from a dating app. When you meet someone out in the world, you know right away if there's an attraction. I suppose that's why you meet someone after you match on the app. One thing that M said to me this morning was that when he stopped worrying about finding the one and just having fun meeting new people, it became a lot easier to just enjoy the experience.
I'm going to try that. I'm not going to stress about the rude messages. I'm going to say yes to a quick drink (coffee or tea, please) and see what happens. I think my biggest fear is being rejected for who I am or what I've gone through in the past or things I've done. But that gives power to people I have yet to know, or barely know. I just have to put myself out there. I haven't wanted to admit this for some time now but I think I am lonely. I think I miss having someone to come home to. I think I'd like to have someone on the same level, looking forward to similar goals, and experiencing the world together.
I'm just not sure I'm going to find this on a dating app…