Wild Mind

thoughts of a chaotic soul

Essays

  • Changing Spots

    Three weeks ago, I took a train into New York City. Walking out of Penn Station, into the warm, late Summer air, my life felt...

  • On Change and Death

    Pugsy died a little over three weeks ago today. Those first few weeks, I was bereft and sad and lost. Now, I can at least...

  • Able Bodied Takes A Vacation

    Gratitude for what once was & will return
  • The Writing Process

    Well, my writing process
  • Nicole and Her Horrible, Very Bad, No Good Fear

    Fear is a sign of growth, yes?
  • Arch Linux & Difficulty

    Do it because it is hard
  • The Narrative

    The stories we tell ourselves
  • Changes

    In life, both real & virtual
  • Thoughts on Time

    I have a fear of getting older, of becoming sick. A fear of my lungs failing, losing my ability to move in this world. A...

  • Letting Go

    Saying yes by saying no
  • The Berlin Wall

    About a year ago, I became interested in Germany. I do not recall the why of it but only that I consumed anything I could...

  • Apparently, Stories Do Matter

    Why do I always have to relearn the old lessons?
  • Soul Shuddering

  • Identity

    Since I started this website, almost a full year ago now, I have written under a pseudonym. Selene was my moniker and it really isn't...

  • The Ghost

    Twenty years ago tomorrow, on October 10th, I killed someone. A woman. A mother. The time was a little after ten pm. It was a...

  • Tech: My Setup & Philosophy

    I spend an inordinate amount of time behind a keyboard and screen. It is my job, after all, to write code. Also, it is my...

  • Seasons

    There is only the mad dash through life, clawing and kicking out of the current version I have created for myself, trying to make it...

  • Run Away

    You don't always have to run toward something
  • Settling In, Settling Down

    On this relatively cool Sunday afternoon, I've got my feet up, a Stella Artois on the coffee table, and a content feeling slipping around inside...

  • Dreamers & Doers

    It's a few minutes after four in the morning, and I've already been up for an hour. The first half-hour was spent trying desperately to...

  • A Reset of Sorts

    Have you ever seen Complete Unknown? It came out a few years ago and starred Rachel Weisz and Michael Shannon. The fundamental premise is that...

  • It Really Comes Down to "Just Write"

    I haven't written in ten days.

    Not a sentence, nor a paragraph, nor even just a few words. Not here on this blog, or in my...

  • A Wild Heart Yet Practical Mind

    The tattoo I had inked in Prague is just about healed. The memories grow fainter each day. The habits and monotony of pre-Europe continue to...

  • You Need to Write, the App

    So, I built something yesterday. Something digital; it's not like I can hand you a spice rack and exclaim, "Look what I have built! Look...

  • Permission Into the Unknown

    Currently, I'm reading A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit. I started it the night before we left Prague, while I...

  • Untethered

    We left Berlin just over an hour ago and are hurtling toward Prague at 160 kilometers an hour on a train. I sit alone, a...

  • In the Moment Feels

    In between the staccato voice of the announcer, in between the different languages (of which I only understand English), there is the absolute tiredness that...

  • Managing the Missteps

    I didn't write yesterday.

    I missed another day of writing my three pages or 750 words somewhere. I completely forgot, to be honest. I usually write...

  • Persistence, Pertinacity, & Patience

    I’m back. A whirlwind trip to New York City to celebrate an old friend’s fortieth birthday and Broadway debut as part of the ensemble cast...

  • Bear Rising

    This past weekend, I began purging. It started when I was cleaning the bathroom in anticipation of my mother coming to stay here and watch...

  • A Dream Almost Fulfilled

    When I was a senior in high school, the movie Kicking and Screaming was released. My best friend at the time and I went to...

  • Is Social Media Necessary to Be a Writer in the Modern World?

    I have a love/hate relationship with social media. I believe that’s the case with most people. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m on the tail-end...

  • Writing the Other, Becoming the Other

    My grandmother was a devout Catholic. Each morning, she celebrated Mass at her local church. Each evening, she whispered prayers to her God. She kept...

  • Move Slow, Find Balance

    Finding balance is not something I am particularly good at. For the most part, I am a woman of extremes. All in, fast and furiously...

  • Life is Hard. So What? Write.

    Life is fucking hard. It'll eat you up like a rabid dog chewing at your exposed ankle. Make a mistake or a wrong choice or...

  • You Have Unlimited Words

    You've Just Got to Shovel Through the Shit
  • Doubt

    It's a black virus wending its way through your veins or a vicious storm on the sea's horizon threatening the small, wooden boat you just...

  • Time Is Not on Your Side

    I've been quiet here on my blog this week. I've needed some time to sort through thoughts and feelings without having to be coherent or...

  • Maybe We Can

    I know it's not good to write about politics or religion. These topics are hugely divisive and problematic. It has always been this way. This...

  • Habit Is the Precursor

    I've written a post a day for over a month now. I'm not sure if that's an accomplishment or it's sad that I think it's an...

  • Time to Start Dating Again?

    I got back on OK Cupid again today. What the hell am I thinking?

    It started yesterday. I went to an intimacy workshop that a friend...

  • Loving the Giants

    It's going to be a difficult night to write here. I should have written this morning but I was busy doing other things. And now,...

  • Late October, 1999

    _Thursday 28 October 1999 8:45 in the morning
    Well, I guess I'm in Pioneer, California, sitting at Amador Station off of Highway 88....

  • Once a Toy

    I was going to write about the time I spent on a ranch in California but, as I began to write it this evening, I...

  • The Wrong Narrative

    This morning, Jen over at Jen's Life (I adore her URL), responded to a comment I had made on her post. In it, she asks, “Do...

  • Older Female Friends For Better Living

    There are days when the words won't flow. Today appears to be one of those days. Maybe it's the meds I've been taking that creates...

  • Sister Lives

    There are two fears that loom large in my life. The first is health; so much matters around that. The quality of our life is...

  • Joy is Consistency

    This past week has been one full of movies and television shows. I think I have stared at my TV screen for as many hours...

  • Random Thoughts of a Sick Girl

    I'm totally going to punch it in today. I'm still sick, my legs hurt, and I can't stop coughing. I'm tired, a little cranky, and...

  • Sick & Privileged Thoughts

    A Tuesday afternoon and I'm still in my pajamas. Being sick is such a pain in the tuckus. The thing about being an adult—being a...

  • “How do you like your eggs?”

    Last night, when I came home from meeting my eleven week old nephew for the first time (so small! so soft!) and after I had...

  • My Spirit Animal Is a Chameleon

    I almost didn't write here this morning. I took out my notebook, made my cup of coffee, and was about to put pen to paper...

  • More Than Parts

    Funny story from tonight. I was running around haphazardly this evening, trying to rush back home because the Pugger was sick (I ended up coming...

  • Unconditional Love Is a Pug

    I'm up early today. Woke up just after 4:30 this morning. This is when I used to get up religiously but haven't been able to...

  • Debt Is a Prison

    I've been meaning to write about debt. But it's just such a soul-sucking, anger-inducing topic to me. I have had debt, in one form or...

  • Writing Isn’t the Goal

    The start of the week is today, a Tuesday, after having the MLK holiday off yesterday. We've got a company wide staff meeting and then...

  • Dullness for Comfort?

    What to say? It's a little funny how I was going to write so much. Write about going to see Neko Case last night in...

  • 4 Blog Idea Generators and 1 Sad Sack Writer That Will Make You Feel Better About Yourself

    Coming up with topics to write about is hard. You don't want to rehash the same principles day in and day out. What's the point...

  • Self Bully

    I think I'm getting sick. My throat has been sore and pasty for the past few days. A couple days ago, one of my coworkers...

  • Words & Thoughts

    Another day, another entry. It's earlier today than I have been posting. About 6:30 in the morning. I woke up a half hour ago. Made...

  • Between the Quiet and the Chaos

    I work from home on Wednesdays. I actually have a better set-up here at home than I do at the office. It's warmer and more...

  • Responsible to the Crazy

    One of the worst things is the blank page. Or a blinking cursor on an empty screen. Filling it without inanity is a herculean task,...

  • Promises to Ourselves Are the Most Important to Keep

    I made a goal on New Year's Eve to write 750 words (roughly three pages) every day. Either in my notebook or here on the...

  • The Bear

    The bear is awakening again. I can feel her stretching, the restlessness in her extremities, tired of being locked up and in the dark. It's...

  • Turncoat

    I'm bundled up—fingerless gloves and an infinity scarf, puffy jacket and heavy boots—sitting in front of my computer at work. Half of the employees are...

  • Wednesday Night, Pizza & Tempranillo

    I bought a frozen pizza at the grocery store tonight.

    This alone isn't all that special. I bought a six pack of eggs, some cheese...

  • Should Programmers Learn Outside of Work?

    I’ve been programming, in some capacity or another, since I was eight years old. I don’t remember if it was Christmas or during the summer...

  • Focus

    I live about 20 miles outside the center of Boston. My commute into the office is just over 10 miles. This means that leaving home...

  • Memory

    My memory is a ghost. She flits in, thin and wispy, and flits back out when I try to get a good look at her....

  • Things Do Not Happen for a Reason

    A few years ago, I read a book by Stephen Greenblatt called The Swerve: How the World Became Modern. It was the most difficult book...

  • Redefinition

    I can't remember where I heard or read it but disappointment is the difference between your expectations and reality. It's the same old story, isn't...

  • Putting Yourself Out There

    I am an introvert by nature. The website 16 Personalities has both pegged me as an Adventurer and a Defender (I suppose it matters on...

  • Emotion Vs. Logic

    I am a roiling sea. I am the embodiment of a tumultuous, frothing storm. I am the physical manifestation of riotousness and disturbance and uproar....

  • Sad for My Country

    I've had a rough week. Last Friday, watching the inauguration of Trump, marked the start of this low-belly angst; a turmoil in my chest. In...

  • Be Better Than You Are

    I was going to start off this post by writing about how we live in a pervasive culture of _you are better than you think...

  • Leveling Up

    One of the things I want to accomplish with Findom[^1] is a return to basics. A return to basics to improve my skillset and broaden...

  • Thoughts While Hiking on New Year's Day

    As a kid and young adult, I spent a lot of time outdoors. I hiked and backpacked, mountain biked and camped. This past decade, I...

  • Deliberate

    If you're a fan of Casey Neistat, you've probably heard of Tom Sachs (Neistat was an intern for the artist between 2001 and 2004). Sachs...

  • Hesitation

    I've hesitated about keeping a steady online blog because it is at odds with the thinking that A) I'm not special, B) it's all been...

  • A Life of Squares

    I carry a notebook with me everywhere, which even the phone isn't privileged enough to get (I actually forgot it at home this past Thursday)....

  • A Normal Day

    Morning comes early for me. I'm usually in front of my desk by 4:30, protein smoothie and hot coffee in hand. A few years ago,...

  • What Makes a Good Boss

    Thoughts on the characteristics of a good boss.
  • Starting From Where You Are

    Human nature fascinates me. Our place in the universe fascinates me. On the whole, we're a fairly smart species. We've evolved into complex, innovative creatures...